The Joy of Sleeping

There’s a lot of things that can lead to a loss of sleep. Loud noises, an uncomfortable mattress, the fear of sleep it self or maybe you just can’t wait for the next GFJ single to be released. It can be frustrating when you struggle to find your slumber and once that frustration grows sleep is nigh on impossible. Well fear no more. In this blog I’m going to outline a 100% effective method of getting to sleep with a smile on your face. It works 100% of the time therefor its 100% effective. This means that it never fails.

For years I struggled to get to sleep.  I could be up all night thinking about our next gig or song or sketch idea. I couldn’t get to sleep, I didn’t know what to do!

I thought I was alone until I looked up #Insomnia on twitter. It seems its a global issue that needs a global solution. It was nice to know I wasn’t struggling alone. He’s my top five insomnia tweets:

  1. @RalfingOnesie I CAN NOT get to sleep tonight. Its the worst I have my first day at work tomorrow. I should not have eaten that Ferraro Rochet before bed! #Insomnia
  2. @IllBethereshortly I always thought my mum was lying when she said not to eat sweets before bed. #Insomnia
  3. @ItchInMyMind EUUGHH Can’t get to sleep again! Is there anyone out there there? I’m so cold cold, I’m frightened. #Scrubs #Insomnia
  4. @Catgotyourtongue meowing myself to sleep DOES NOT WORK! My friend said she does it but I think its really weird and my husband does not approve. #Insomnia
  5. @Coldcanofcoke I’ve had a cup of warm milk, I haven’t eaten any sweets but I still can’t sleep! All i’m thinking about is when are goldfish jones going to release their next single? #Insomnia

So the problem is clear. But what are the solutions. I started to research this as I was desperate to find my slumber. There are options out there and many professionals and bloggers quote the same things- don’t be on your laptop before bed, no tea or coffee after 8pm, don’t think about stressful things, read a book, drink a cup of warm milk, don’t drink a red bull just before bed.

These ideas aren’t necessarily bad but for me they just didn’t work and in all honesty they are restricting, sometimes you just gotta ride the bull you know what I mean?

Other people suggest drinking copious amounts of alcohol or taking drugs. This I do not recommend.

Anyway I tried all the techniques and it seemed nothing would work. That was until I stumbled upon the answer. It was so simple. No restrictions, no rules and it works every. single. time. Whilst browsing Netflix I stumbled upon I show I thought would be terrible so I put it on as a joke. I was transfixed. Its called the Joy Of painting by Bob Ross and its a game changer. By far the most relaxing thing you’ll ever watch.

So here’s a simple step by step guide for how to get to sleep with a smile on your face every time 100% of the time.

  1. Get into PJ’s or boxers if its warm.
  2. Brush your teeth.
  3. Get into bed.
  4. Plug your ear phones into your phone.
  5. Look up the next Bob Ross episode on YouTube- there’s about 300 of them.
  6. Close your eyes and listen.
  7.  Wake up the next morning fully refreshed.

So why not give it a go? Let us know if it works for you!

 

 

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My First Badly Wrapped Boojum

Over the past year I’ve had a boojum awakening. I tried it for the first time several years ago and wasn’t impressed. I accidentally got the hot salsa and it was just a bit too spicy. Coupled with an equally poor decision to drink a coke alongside it, I endured a rather miserable experience of tongue burning and indigestion.  Needless to say I had no intention of returning. Two years later however fate decided that I should try it again. This time I made no mistakes. Instead of having salsa I thought ‘To heck with society!’ and ordered my burrito without it. I know what you’re thinking, ‘Whoa! What a maniac!’ But that’s what I did. Just a simple burrito with pulled pork, orange beans, Mexican rice, sour cream and cheese. And you know what? It was delicious. That was it you know? I got a taste for it. Barely a day goes by when my mouth doesn’t water thinking about having that Mexican rice roll over my tongue, lighting my taste buds like fireworks. I drool daydreaming about those soft flour tortilla wraps, so doughy and delicious and the meat inside! I’ve tried pork, pulled beef and chicken, each is as good as the other! I have yet to try the chorizo but maybe some day. I regularly enjoyed my boojums because they were perfect every time. The makers so skilled at keeping it all in the wrap. I was truly impressed. It was never messy, you can forget your knife and fork! Time after time it hit the spot.

You can imagine my surprise then when I eagerly opened the foil wrapping to find this inside:

burrito

Admittedly this isn’t the actual picture of my burrito but it gives a good impression of the horror I opened up to find. Now I’ll admit it was a whole grain wrap and they are little more crumbly than the white wraps but I’ve had them before and this has never happened.

To set the scene. Its Friday afternoon and I’m looking in the fridge for something to eat but rations are pretty scarce. What shall I do? I know! I haven’t had a boojum yet this week. So I walk up to boojum. Its a beautiful sunny afternoon and the birds in the park are singing almost as if they know where I’m going. I’m going to boojum. My step quickens as I grow nearer my destination. A short stop at an ATM to get out a tenner and before you know it I’m in line for my boojum. Yay!

“Today I’m going to go for a whole grain burrito.”

“What rice do you want?”

“Mexican please, with the orange beans and chicken.”

“What salsa would you like?”

“None Thanks.”

“What?! You’re crazy!”

“I know I am but just sour cream and cheese please. ”

And so I pass on to the counter and pay for my boojum. I notice the price has gone up 70p but I don’t care. All I want is my burrito, no mess no fuss. It takes an abnormal amount of time.

“I’m sorry for the wait.”

“That’s no problem”

I take my boojum and almost run out the shop in excitement. I walk back to my house in record time. T.V on. Clean plate, just in case though I fully expect I’ll not need it. Knife and fork? Nope! A nice glass of water to wash it down. So I sit down and open up the tin foil wrap to this:

burrito

Are you joking me? I’m devastated. Its finally happened. I’ve had my first badly wrapped boojum. Rice and sour cream oozed on to my hands as I struggled to fit the flapping parts of wrap into my mouth. Make no mistake it tasted delicious but eating it was a handling. Maybe it was the girls first day on the job, or maybe she hated me enough to do this deliberately, I don’t know. All I know is it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I went to the kitchen to get a knife and fork to clean up to overspill.  This will take some getting over. I’ve been depressed all day since. Maybe next week I’ll revert to plain white and it will look like this once more: boojum2

Yum! I can’t wait to go back!

 

Have you ever had a bad boojum experience? Or jsut good ones? Feel free to share them in the comments.

Addicted to Losing

If you want to feel the full effect of this piece then I encourage that as you read this you listen to Moby- God moving over the faces of the waters. I’ll link it for you here:

There you go. You settled in? Good then lets begin.

Many people want to know what it’s like to be Goldfish Jones. Why do we do what we do? How do we do what we do? For years now we’ve been making ourselves a laughing stock for your pleasure, and does anyone actually care? I’m not sure. We spend hours writing songs, making videos, posting on Facebook and now writing blogs. But who’s actually listening? Who’s actually watching? And who is actually reading this? We’d love to know. If there’s anyone out there who enjoys our songs and laughs at our videos, and loves to read where our minds love to wander, please, we beg of you, let us know who you are. I don’t know how long we can keep this up. At first it was all laughs and smiles. It was a joke. We knew the joke though many didn’t. But then the laughter faded to a dull echo of previous jokes. The views stopped rolling, the sales ceased to exist and the gigs went from crowded to empty with those that did come, wishing we hadn’t. But for some reason we keep going forward. because this feeling we get drives us on. We laugh when no one is watching, we cry when others can’t see because we’ve been changed inside. We’ve become addicted to this feeling, addicted and craving one more hit, just one more hit, and on and on it goes. We’ve become addicted to losing. It no longer matters to us if you like us or not, we maybe even prefer that you don’t because we can’t stop, but maybe you can help us start. Let us know you’re there, help and guide us to victory. We look around and see nothing but despair in this once great world we live in. TV is dead. Music is dying and blogs are full of more crap than a goldfish produces in a year. We hoped to bring a ray of light into this dark world. We hoped that our feel good comedy songs could lighten your day. We tried to revive TV with our own version of a sketch show in 31, now Truly Average and now we’re trying to clean out this bowl of blogs. But our songs go unnoticed and 31 was a colossal failure. Maybe they weren’t good enough and we acccept that, but what are you doing? Its easy to sit there and watch others fail but its hard to try and help. Give us some feedback, a helping hand, a smile on the street. Maybe together we can climb this mountain. Many hands make light work, its not a joke, its true! Maybe instead of just ignoring our crap you could point out why you think its crap and help turn this crap into diamonds. Or maybe we’ll just keep losing. We’ll watch music turn into tragic and depressing music mixed with robotic voices and lyrics that either mean nothing or mean things you wish you didn’t know. We’ll watch as TV and the media corrupt the minds of many, do you ever think about what you’re watching? TV is often a foreshadowing of the world to come, and in that case I truly fear what we’ll become. People don’t smile to strangers any more. I hear 9 year old girls using curse words I’ve never heard before. Its seems OK to push others down in order to raise yourself up. When did this happen? Its in the culture now and I’m afraid it won’t go away. Instead of characters like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air we get scum bags like Walter White and Francis Underwood filling our screens as if they’re heroes. I know the shows are supposed to be highlighting how ‘bad’ they are but they don’t really. Instead we see crime glorified and made to seem so much cooler than obeying the law. Lies are easy to tell and get you to the top the fast way. Telling the truth is for chumps. All we wanted to do was create something clean and light hearted, but no one wants that any more. It doesn’t sell and we’re giving it away for free. Even some of our closest friends don’t get it. But if your out there and your shouting no! We want to hear you. If you don’t want this world to crumble into darkness, if you want to stand by our side then you will be welcome. Send us your thoughts, share your ideas. Enter the bowl in all its meaning and you will feel at home. Because that’s what people don’t get about us. Its not that we love to lose, its that we’re a family, and family’s don’t give up when the going gets tough, when someone laughs at your brother you don’t laugh too, you protect him and encourage him. So encourage us. Share our songs, watch our videos and let us know your there, because our arms are open wide.

Now enjoy the rest of this song. Share with you mates.

Man losing at slot machines in casino

Turning the tide on this losing streak.