The Joy of Sleeping

There’s a lot of things that can lead to a loss of sleep. Loud noises, an uncomfortable mattress, the fear of sleep it self or maybe you just can’t wait for the next GFJ single to be released. It can be frustrating when you struggle to find your slumber and once that frustration grows sleep is nigh on impossible. Well fear no more. In this blog I’m going to outline a 100% effective method of getting to sleep with a smile on your face. It works 100% of the time therefor its 100% effective. This means that it never fails.

For years I struggled to get to sleep.  I could be up all night thinking about our next gig or song or sketch idea. I couldn’t get to sleep, I didn’t know what to do!

I thought I was alone until I looked up #Insomnia on twitter. It seems its a global issue that needs a global solution. It was nice to know I wasn’t struggling alone. He’s my top five insomnia tweets:

  1. @RalfingOnesie I CAN NOT get to sleep tonight. Its the worst I have my first day at work tomorrow. I should not have eaten that Ferraro Rochet before bed! #Insomnia
  2. @IllBethereshortly I always thought my mum was lying when she said not to eat sweets before bed. #Insomnia
  3. @ItchInMyMind EUUGHH Can’t get to sleep again! Is there anyone out there there? I’m so cold cold, I’m frightened. #Scrubs #Insomnia
  4. @Catgotyourtongue meowing myself to sleep DOES NOT WORK! My friend said she does it but I think its really weird and my husband does not approve. #Insomnia
  5. @Coldcanofcoke I’ve had a cup of warm milk, I haven’t eaten any sweets but I still can’t sleep! All i’m thinking about is when are goldfish jones going to release their next single? #Insomnia

So the problem is clear. But what are the solutions. I started to research this as I was desperate to find my slumber. There are options out there and many professionals and bloggers quote the same things- don’t be on your laptop before bed, no tea or coffee after 8pm, don’t think about stressful things, read a book, drink a cup of warm milk, don’t drink a red bull just before bed.

These ideas aren’t necessarily bad but for me they just didn’t work and in all honesty they are restricting, sometimes you just gotta ride the bull you know what I mean?

Other people suggest drinking copious amounts of alcohol or taking drugs. This I do not recommend.

Anyway I tried all the techniques and it seemed nothing would work. That was until I stumbled upon the answer. It was so simple. No restrictions, no rules and it works every. single. time. Whilst browsing Netflix I stumbled upon I show I thought would be terrible so I put it on as a joke. I was transfixed. Its called the Joy Of painting by Bob Ross and its a game changer. By far the most relaxing thing you’ll ever watch.

So here’s a simple step by step guide for how to get to sleep with a smile on your face every time 100% of the time.

  1. Get into PJ’s or boxers if its warm.
  2. Brush your teeth.
  3. Get into bed.
  4. Plug your ear phones into your phone.
  5. Look up the next Bob Ross episode on YouTube- there’s about 300 of them.
  6. Close your eyes and listen.
  7.  Wake up the next morning fully refreshed.

So why not give it a go? Let us know if it works for you!

 

 

My First Badly Wrapped Boojum

Over the past year I’ve had a boojum awakening. I tried it for the first time several years ago and wasn’t impressed. I accidentally got the hot salsa and it was just a bit too spicy. Coupled with an equally poor decision to drink a coke alongside it, I endured a rather miserable experience of tongue burning and indigestion.  Needless to say I had no intention of returning. Two years later however fate decided that I should try it again. This time I made no mistakes. Instead of having salsa I thought ‘To heck with society!’ and ordered my burrito without it. I know what you’re thinking, ‘Whoa! What a maniac!’ But that’s what I did. Just a simple burrito with pulled pork, orange beans, Mexican rice, sour cream and cheese. And you know what? It was delicious. That was it you know? I got a taste for it. Barely a day goes by when my mouth doesn’t water thinking about having that Mexican rice roll over my tongue, lighting my taste buds like fireworks. I drool daydreaming about those soft flour tortilla wraps, so doughy and delicious and the meat inside! I’ve tried pork, pulled beef and chicken, each is as good as the other! I have yet to try the chorizo but maybe some day. I regularly enjoyed my boojums because they were perfect every time. The makers so skilled at keeping it all in the wrap. I was truly impressed. It was never messy, you can forget your knife and fork! Time after time it hit the spot.

You can imagine my surprise then when I eagerly opened the foil wrapping to find this inside:

burrito

Admittedly this isn’t the actual picture of my burrito but it gives a good impression of the horror I opened up to find. Now I’ll admit it was a whole grain wrap and they are little more crumbly than the white wraps but I’ve had them before and this has never happened.

To set the scene. Its Friday afternoon and I’m looking in the fridge for something to eat but rations are pretty scarce. What shall I do? I know! I haven’t had a boojum yet this week. So I walk up to boojum. Its a beautiful sunny afternoon and the birds in the park are singing almost as if they know where I’m going. I’m going to boojum. My step quickens as I grow nearer my destination. A short stop at an ATM to get out a tenner and before you know it I’m in line for my boojum. Yay!

“Today I’m going to go for a whole grain burrito.”

“What rice do you want?”

“Mexican please, with the orange beans and chicken.”

“What salsa would you like?”

“None Thanks.”

“What?! You’re crazy!”

“I know I am but just sour cream and cheese please. ”

And so I pass on to the counter and pay for my boojum. I notice the price has gone up 70p but I don’t care. All I want is my burrito, no mess no fuss. It takes an abnormal amount of time.

“I’m sorry for the wait.”

“That’s no problem”

I take my boojum and almost run out the shop in excitement. I walk back to my house in record time. T.V on. Clean plate, just in case though I fully expect I’ll not need it. Knife and fork? Nope! A nice glass of water to wash it down. So I sit down and open up the tin foil wrap to this:

burrito

Are you joking me? I’m devastated. Its finally happened. I’ve had my first badly wrapped boojum. Rice and sour cream oozed on to my hands as I struggled to fit the flapping parts of wrap into my mouth. Make no mistake it tasted delicious but eating it was a handling. Maybe it was the girls first day on the job, or maybe she hated me enough to do this deliberately, I don’t know. All I know is it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I went to the kitchen to get a knife and fork to clean up to overspill.  This will take some getting over. I’ve been depressed all day since. Maybe next week I’ll revert to plain white and it will look like this once more: boojum2

Yum! I can’t wait to go back!

 

Have you ever had a bad boojum experience? Or jsut good ones? Feel free to share them in the comments.

Truly Average: 7 Things we learnt from the first episode

Truly Average

As the latest attempt by Goldfish Jones Productions to break into the comedy world Truly Average has a mountain to climb following the largely negative response to 31. Despite this it manages to serve up many laughs, debuting  on the 3rd February 2016 to largely positive reviews. With people across the globe clamouring for more we share 7 things we’ve learned from the first episode.  

1. Roy Hodgson Could be anywhere! 

In the opening scene we are treated to a ‘Cloverfield-esque’ horror spoof in which lead protagonist Toby Jackson wakes to find himself scared, alone, in darkness and hearing noises. We are taken on a frightfest journey to  discover that the monster at the end is none other than the England manager himself (Roy Hodgson) simply looking for a glass of milk! Now its clear that the boys have put some money into acquiring these face masks so I can only assume we’ll be seeing Roy in some more surprising situations, whether it be stopping an estate agent in his tracks or haunting professional footballers dreams, I for one can’t wait to find out! roy.pngImage Credit : Goldfish Jones Productions

2. The boys don’t know how to spell

It’s clear to see we aren’t dealing with English students. An unfortunate case of unprofessional ism sees several misspelt  words (Including truly-spelt truely!- found in the title sequence) – unless it’s deliberate in which case very well played! Are the boys deliberately trying to play up their ‘Everyone thinks we’re idiots persona’ or was it simply an unfortunate mistake? I geuss we’ll never know. 

truly averag      Image Credit : Goldfish Jones Productions

3. Editing skills have vastly improved

To see the fruits of this simply watch the opening credits. Done with a smooth flow we are treated to seeing many of our beloved characters seemingly living under one roof. Despite all of these characters being played by only two people the way it has been edited together makes it feel as if they really do live in one big fun house we’d all want to join- room for one more?!  On top of this the sound has been well equalised throughout the episode, thankfully no more burst ear drums Mr. Drake!!! 

drake        Image Credit: The Portland Mercury

4. The boys have accents aplenty! 

Whether it be harsh Northern Irish accents worrying about spilt yoghurt or fearful English tossers, the boys have you covered. With a wide range that also includes various regional american accents (American Teen Drama, Blue or death) its clear that there has been much practising had in the studio. We can’t wait to see what crazy accents (and characters) you come out with next! blue.png          Image Credit: Goldfish Jones Productions

5. McMagic Arthur will blow your mind

In this first episode we are treated to a one take, zero edit shot of McMagic Arthur and his card trick. Yes that’s right ONE TAKE. If, like me and many others, you assumed there was some sort of camera trickery which allows McMagic to pull off this amazing trick then you need to look again. Look closely and you’ll see its all in one take.I even emailed the production staff and they confirmed there was no trickery involved, McMagic simply has a gift. Rumour has it he’ll be taking it out on the streets to see what the public make of it in real life. I can not wait to see this. This card trick is a game changer and its here to stay!mcmagic.pngImage Credit: Goldfish Jones Productions

6. The soundtrack is banging

Some seriously stinking beats in here! From slamming anthems such as the shows opener (Different drum by The Stone Poneys) to the closing cracker (I want your love by Chic ) we are well and truly treated to some blasters that we can’t but help smiling to. Including  classics like Blue Hotel by Chris Isaak and Ne me quitte pas by Jacques Brel this is a soundtrack to transport you into another world. What’s more its even been put into a handy youtube playlist for you to enjoy at your leisure. Trulyosun.pngImage Credit: Youtube

7. Look out for some memorable cameos

Sometimes its nice to see someone other than the regular cast memebers. This is something the boys have realised and have begun using their infulences to bring in some new hot young talent for some short cameo roles. These include Graeme Livingston in his recurring role as the menacing Visser (Made out of granite 2) and Gideon Cordner aka slow clap. Who else will feature? We can’t wait to find out!

 gid.png

Image Credit: Goldfish Jones Productions

Don’t take our word on everything though, find out for yourself here, hope you enjoy and share your feedback in the comments.

Addicted to Losing

If you want to feel the full effect of this piece then I encourage that as you read this you listen to Moby- God moving over the faces of the waters. I’ll link it for you here:

There you go. You settled in? Good then lets begin.

Many people want to know what it’s like to be Goldfish Jones. Why do we do what we do? How do we do what we do? For years now we’ve been making ourselves a laughing stock for your pleasure, and does anyone actually care? I’m not sure. We spend hours writing songs, making videos, posting on Facebook and now writing blogs. But who’s actually listening? Who’s actually watching? And who is actually reading this? We’d love to know. If there’s anyone out there who enjoys our songs and laughs at our videos, and loves to read where our minds love to wander, please, we beg of you, let us know who you are. I don’t know how long we can keep this up. At first it was all laughs and smiles. It was a joke. We knew the joke though many didn’t. But then the laughter faded to a dull echo of previous jokes. The views stopped rolling, the sales ceased to exist and the gigs went from crowded to empty with those that did come, wishing we hadn’t. But for some reason we keep going forward. because this feeling we get drives us on. We laugh when no one is watching, we cry when others can’t see because we’ve been changed inside. We’ve become addicted to this feeling, addicted and craving one more hit, just one more hit, and on and on it goes. We’ve become addicted to losing. It no longer matters to us if you like us or not, we maybe even prefer that you don’t because we can’t stop, but maybe you can help us start. Let us know you’re there, help and guide us to victory. We look around and see nothing but despair in this once great world we live in. TV is dead. Music is dying and blogs are full of more crap than a goldfish produces in a year. We hoped to bring a ray of light into this dark world. We hoped that our feel good comedy songs could lighten your day. We tried to revive TV with our own version of a sketch show in 31, now Truly Average and now we’re trying to clean out this bowl of blogs. But our songs go unnoticed and 31 was a colossal failure. Maybe they weren’t good enough and we acccept that, but what are you doing? Its easy to sit there and watch others fail but its hard to try and help. Give us some feedback, a helping hand, a smile on the street. Maybe together we can climb this mountain. Many hands make light work, its not a joke, its true! Maybe instead of just ignoring our crap you could point out why you think its crap and help turn this crap into diamonds. Or maybe we’ll just keep losing. We’ll watch music turn into tragic and depressing music mixed with robotic voices and lyrics that either mean nothing or mean things you wish you didn’t know. We’ll watch as TV and the media corrupt the minds of many, do you ever think about what you’re watching? TV is often a foreshadowing of the world to come, and in that case I truly fear what we’ll become. People don’t smile to strangers any more. I hear 9 year old girls using curse words I’ve never heard before. Its seems OK to push others down in order to raise yourself up. When did this happen? Its in the culture now and I’m afraid it won’t go away. Instead of characters like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air we get scum bags like Walter White and Francis Underwood filling our screens as if they’re heroes. I know the shows are supposed to be highlighting how ‘bad’ they are but they don’t really. Instead we see crime glorified and made to seem so much cooler than obeying the law. Lies are easy to tell and get you to the top the fast way. Telling the truth is for chumps. All we wanted to do was create something clean and light hearted, but no one wants that any more. It doesn’t sell and we’re giving it away for free. Even some of our closest friends don’t get it. But if your out there and your shouting no! We want to hear you. If you don’t want this world to crumble into darkness, if you want to stand by our side then you will be welcome. Send us your thoughts, share your ideas. Enter the bowl in all its meaning and you will feel at home. Because that’s what people don’t get about us. Its not that we love to lose, its that we’re a family, and family’s don’t give up when the going gets tough, when someone laughs at your brother you don’t laugh too, you protect him and encourage him. So encourage us. Share our songs, watch our videos and let us know your there, because our arms are open wide.

Now enjoy the rest of this song. Share with you mates.

Man losing at slot machines in casino

Turning the tide on this losing streak.