goldfishjones

“It’s been so long since we’ve had a gig, I’m gagging to get back out there mate.” – Stewart Fulton 25th April 2016

It’s April 2016 and the boys haven’t had a gig since Christmas.

“It’s been so long since we’ve had a gig, I’m gagging to get back out there mate.” says Stewart.

“I know man, I just want to get our music out there you know?!” Replied Joe

“I know exactly what you mean, going to just google gigs N.I. here” Finished Stewart

45 minutes later Stewart had the boys signed up to play at the Red sails singer songwriter competition on the 28th of July.

“Graeme’s not here then though mate” Questioned Joe

“I know man but it’ll be alright man” Said Stewart.

Jump forward several months and its the day of the big gig. The boys are quite frankly bricking their nags.

“Why did we sign up for this man? It’s going to be brutal!” Exclaimed Joe

“I don’t know, I DON’T KNOW! We need G range here, I’m lost without him” Replied a frantic Stewart.

“I’m a frothing and a foaming with nerves pal, we can’t sing we’re idiots. Can we just Christian Bail?” Said Joe

“I wish we could but we’re here now and these people are expecting us to play man” Whispered Stewart.

At this point Joe turned to face the packed out crowd of about 10 people.

“Ah kak, you’re right man no turning back now”

“Ok this ones called Raul, join in the chorus if you can pick it up!”

And the gig had begun. The boys were 2nd up from a line up of 9. It was pouring down, the terrible weather fit nicely with an even worse performance. The crowd was left nonplussed as the boys belted out their three songs with little reason rhythm or rhyme. By the end people were simple clapping because it was over. The don’t know where they came but it wasn’t first or second. Could have been third but probably closer to last.

“Well man, we didn’t win but at least its over” Said a dejected Joe

“Yeah I guess you could say that, I guess you could say that.”

Throughout the duration of the referendum campaign we have been bombarded with fear politics from both sides of the argument with wild claims coming from both sides. We’ve picked 5 of our favourites from each side that we found on twitter.

#Remain

1. #VoteRemain says that that a vote to leave could see flooding increase by 15% per year #FearPolitics
2. #VoteRemain say that bullying in school will increase directly as a result of leaving the EU #FearPolitics
3. #VoteRemain claims that a leave vote could lead to a much higher demand for cotton wool in southern counties #FearPolitics
4. #VoteRemain claims that should we vote leave demand for northern wool will sky rocket #FearPolitics
5. #VoteRemain claim that up to 16 community swimming pools will be shut down if we vote leave #FearPolitics

#Leave

1. #VoteLeave Have claimed that a vote to remain will demoralise just under half the U.K population #FearPolitics
2. #VoteLeave claims a remain vote will cause a rise in breeding of illegal fighting dogs #FearPolitics
3. #VoteLeave says that a remain vote will see a greater increase of nervousness among the British people #FearPolitics
4. #VoteLeave claim a vicious bout of leprosy could spring out among the people if we vote remain #FearPolitics
5. #VoteLeave claim that a real life version of 8 legged freaks could occur should we choose to remain in EU #FearPolitics
6. #VoteLeave claim that a remain vote will lead to a significant increase in type two diabetes across the UK #FearPolitics

Now these are all terrifying things but the thing that scares us, and we believe most people, the most is what will happen to everyone’s favourite classic comedy alternative christian Chinese traditional band Goldfish Jones?

The short answer: Nothing. It changes absolutely nothing, we’re still here and we’ll still make no money. Some bands may lose out due to the end of European arts funding but not us. “When you’ve got nothing you’ve nothing to lose” – Graeme Livingston when asked about the future of GFJ following Brexit.

Now that your mind is at ease why not enjoy some light hearted classic comedy alternative christian Chinese traditional music eh?!

Travelling can be a lonely thing, today as I left the emerald isle once again I had an epiphany. One of those moments that just strikes you, you can’t help but sit back and say, wow. As I sit in this high stool in Belfast International airport with 25 minutes until my gate is shown, I am eating a meal deal from Superdrug. A BLT sandwich on malted bread, a diet coke and to top it all off a wispa gold. I’m sitting people watching as you do, and wondering about the stories of my fellow lone travellers, where are they going, why? Other questions are raised like ‘should I have gone to burger king?’ and ‘WHS Smith had club rock shandy, maybe I should have tried there?’. I have seen someone who I recognise here, I believe he recognises me too, its awkward and we are certainly keeping our distance. The stress levels are quite high though because although I’m past security, what happens if me and said gentleman are sitting together. That is a social situation I don’t want to be in. The good news is that my play station and Starwars Battlefront have made it this far, so raise a bottle of coke to many happy games running things in Hoth.

Lol caught you a cracker. Truth be told we know very little about Donald Trump or in fact politics in general. Instead we’re giving you the chance to delve into the forgotten world of our back catalogue and forgotten songs. So here is the extensive listand where you can hear them:

1. Take My Heart

Arguably the worst song we’ve ever written. Birthed at the beginning of the band before we’d developed our trademark comedy and wit. It can be found on YouTube as our first, worst and currently only music vid! Enjoy.

 

2. Cold Cold Rain

With classy lyrics, “I wanna see you move on this night, I wanna see you move in the moonlight” This song was an instant hit. A throw back to heart break suffered by a one of the boys from the girl who left him in out in the cold cold rain! This one can be sourced on myspace and a live version on youtube.

3. Chemical Town

An ode to our school lives with tributes to the teachers who made us who we are, for better or worse. This song seems to get worse each time we play it and has deservedly been put out to pasture.  You can find it on myspace and live on youtube!

4. About you

A sad song. A very sad song. Written in our darkest hour this song provides no light. What’s it about? You. It’s all about you. Find out more here:

5. Mario land

Graeme wanted to write a song in Italian and why not. We don’t know what it means or what its about. Funnier than it sounds. Currently no access to this on line. Unlikely to change.

6. There is no spoon

Unlike for Neo sometimes a lack of spoon is a problem. Especially when you’ve been looking forward to a crunch corner all day. Yummy! Not available online.

7. Video store

What happens if you’re walking down town to the video store and you see a girl that you can’t ignore? Well if you’re Goldfish Jones you write a song about it, and a cracking song too! This one is flirting with the album. Will it get in? You decide, listen here!

8. We’ve got time

Do we? Apparently we do but we didn’t have time to ever record a demo of this one so its unlikely you’ll ever hear it. Shame.

9. Hovis

Joe wrote a song about his love of half and half hovis bread, sounds so wrong yet tastes so right! He has yet to be allowed to play it with Graeme stating,” Its actually one of the crappest things he’s ever written. Shocking.”

10. Panic street preachers.

A song dedicated to the heart wrenching moment you’re given your items and change in a shop and feel the pressure of the queue behind you. The song didn’t live up to the concept and as of yet has remained unreleased.

11. The mountain

Some song G range wrote that we can’t remember.

12. 3 second memory

By far the best of our back catalogue. This ones delves into the meaningless life of a goldfish with a three second memory, but is it really about a goldfish at all or the existential crisis we will all inevitably face at some stage in our meaningless lives? Who knows! Hear it here and don’t forget to subscribe! Sorry for misleading you with Donald Trump.

 

 

 

 

A lot of people have been talking about summer and as with every other year the focus is on the body. What do you want to look like in your speedos on the beach? Doesn’t really matter because no matter what shape you’re in you’re guaranteed to look like a weirdo.

A lot of blogs and fitness magazines are talking about getting fit for summer but we want to do the opposite and talk about how to get fat for summer. To do this we’ve developed a 12 week plan that’s guaranteed to help you gain at least 30 pounds of pure fat in just 10 minutes a day.

“Traditionally gaining weight can be incredibly time consuming and moderate intensity protocols may not even produce the results eaters are seeking” – Fatty Magoo.

This eating workout cuts down on feasting times and is proven to increase subcutaneous fat around your belly. Furthermore, it can generate more fat overall in a 24-hour period than traditional eating measures.

How it works: For the times given, perform as many repetitions of each move as you can, focusing on maintaining proper form the entire time (reference videos for the correct form). If your form breaks down, slow down and complete fewer reps. As you progress, you’ll be able to complete more repetitions during each time period.

Workout 1: Lower body- the thunder thighs generator

Weeks: 1-12

Days: 1, 3, 5 and 7

Workout 1 moves:

1. Doughnut danger: Eat as many filled doughnuts as you can, filling type does not matter but NO gravy rings! No fat is gained through the whole in the middle. (60 sec)

2. Wagon-wheels: Get yourself a packet of wagon wheels and eat through them fast! (60 sec)

3. Milkshake down: Wash down the first two exorcizes with a thick shake. Any flavour allowed but try and stay away from using real fruit. (30 sec)

4. Hip Hikers: Lots and lots of bacon, fried in copious amounts of butter and stuffed down your gullet. (60 sec)

5. Sugar supply: You’ll be thirsty after all that bacon, this time wash it down with some fizzies, any flavour but make sure its full fat! (30 sec)

 6. Greese me up: Take a jar of goose fat and enjoy. You may find it hard to get it down but trust me, the results are worth it! (60 sec)

7. Pork me in the belly: Grab yourself some pork scratchings and tear through. By the end of 12 weeks you should be able to eat at least 4 bags. (60 sec)

8. Fat Fantasy: Get yourself some steaks, cut off the fat and eat it, throw the rest of the steak out as protein isn’t fat! (120 sec)

9. Living the cream: Get yourself a few cartoons of double cream and drink away (30 sec)

10. Sweet and sugar: Time for some fast acting sugar, mix it up between haribo, skittles and chocolate buttons. (60 sec)

11. Syrup sliders: To end off workout one you’ll need some toffee, chocolate or strawberry sauce. Drink away for a final energy boost! You’ll really feel it throughout the day!

Workout 2: Upper body- For a solid belly

Weeks: 1-12

Days: 2,4 and 6

Workout 2 moves

1. Double Chin-ups: If you really want to look fat then face fat is a key area to focus on. For this grab a bag of toffee popcorn, fill a bowl and add milk. Eat it just like cereal. (60 sec)

2.Chi-squeasy: Sweet and sour chicken with fried rice, no veg. Eat it up. (180 sec)

3. Coke Hold: Some more saturated liquid fats to help the chinese go down. Fill a glass with coke and add 3 table spoons of sugar for an extra kick. (30 sec)

4. Nacho fat yet: Dorito’s covered in nacho cheese sauce and cheddar cheese, add a few teaspoons of sugar if you want to up your gain. (60 sec)

5. Mayo have some more?: Mayonnaise, nothing more nothing less, just eat some mayo plain and simple. Add a few table spoons of sugar if you want to up your gain. (60 sec)

6. Ice still skinny: Get yourself some Ice cream. Make sure it has plenty of saturated fat and enjoy. Add a few table spoons of sugar if you want to up your gain. (60 sec)

7. Can’t fry me love: A double deep fried burger patty, in a deep fried bap with deep fried cheese and a thick blue cheese dressing. Add a few table spoons of sugar if you want to up your gain.(120 sec)

8. The hoover: By this stage there’s bound to be some left overs. Eat as much as you can as quick as you can, don’t anything go to waste! If there’s nothing left have a couple table spoons of sugar.(30 sec)

 

This is our quick action plan to gain weight fast! This is not a replacement of regular meals but is to be taken in addition to your normal regime. As well as severe weight gain you may also find that you have developed type 2 diabetes. This is a normal side effect of this course.

 

Disclaimer: Try this workout plan at your own risk, we hold no responsibility for any outcomes of this process.

 

 

Every career has its ups and downs, for us it seems there’s been more downs than ups. We decided to rank our highest and lowest career points, with our own rating system e.g fishes, with +10 being the highest point in our career and -10 being the lowest. Were you there at any of these points? Time to find out. Here they are, our ten career defining moments. 

1. Our First Gig- 0 Fishes 

Initially one of the greatest nights of our lives. It was December 2010 and Graeme and Joe were still high off the buzz from their performances in the school musical Grease. With three songs in the tank it was the boys chance to show the world what they had. The prize included a free days recording in a professional studio. A chance to lay down our first tracks in proper fashion. We were allowed to play 2 out of our 3 songs which at the time were ‘Start Normally’, ‘Take My Heart’ and ‘Chemical Town’. Foolishly, nay madly we opted to play ‘Take My Heart’ over the fast paced future fan favourite ‘Chemical Town’. Start Normally went well and as planned the crowd went wild as we unleashed a fireman Sam beach ball into the crowd. Stewart wowed the fans with his Ray Mysterio mask and girls wept with Graeme’s vocals.  Coming off stage we were buzzed. Could we actually win? No was the answer. We lost out to a band called Caspers Friend who have since split up. This left us devastated and set us back about 3 years in the recording process.  Despite this our first gig had been played and we got this great photo with our pals. Overall a neutral night – 0 fishes. 

2. Headliners – 4 Fishes

Two months later and its a new year and a new gig. Another battle of the bands at Exodus Coleraine, however this time we weren’t competing. Called by Tim Robinson to be the headline act of the night and with the opportunity of actually being paid this was an offer we couldn’t refuse. It was the first of a very limited number of paid gigs and so is always remembered fondly by the boys. The gig went well and the fans were pleased. A decent night – 4 fishes. 

3. The Vibe – -6 Fishes

One of the worst nights of our career. A year and many average gigs after our headline gig at exodus its May 2012 and we’re playing in yet another battle of the bands. This time its hosted by Simon (Band Manager) Alleyne’s  church North West Fellowship in Coleraine. The event was called The Vibe. At this point we served up a new classic anthem ‘We’ve Got Time’ and it met with rave reviews. Having received largely positive reviews from the judges we felt our chances of progressing were high.  Not to be. It seemed the judges had lied through their teeth and felt we weren’t good enough to reach the second round. Upon realising we had lost out to a Northern Irish rapper we considered calling it quits for the first time. The only consolation for Joe being that he felt he looked pretty slick in his campaigners uniform. Overall one of the worst nights of our career – -6 fishes. Luckily for you it was all captured in an episode of memoirs of Goldfish Jones. You can watch it here: 

 

4. Rugby Concert – 6 Fishes

Just days after the crushing night at The Vibe the boys were brought back from the brink with a call from their school teacher and rugby coach Mr. Beggs. It appeared the school was having a fundraiser to provide funds for an impending rugby tour to South Africa and Mr. Beggs was offering the boys the chance to be the in house band. Obviously they accepted the offer. It turned out to be a great night. They played their go to ‘Start Normally’ and enjoyed backstage chats with international rugby stars Andrew Trimble and Johann Muller along with Ulster defence coach Johnny Bell and Sports commentator Steven Watson. The band reached an all time high when each member of this group agreed to be in an episode of their self filmed documentary series ‘Memoirs of Goldfish Jones’. A great night – 6 fishes.Don’t believe us?  Watch it here: 

 

5. Summer Madness – 8 Fishes

In June 2012 we made our summer madness début in the exodus tent. We were a small unheard of band with a simple 40 minute afternoon slot. However this was to be the gig that changed the course of our career and began a four year love affair with Summer Madness that culminated in a 200 person prime time gig in a packed out Exodus tent in June 2015.  That first gig in 2012 was calm and relaxed and the moment we fully embraced the comedic aspect of our performances. At the start no one knew who we were but by the end they didn’t want us to go. What an afternoon – 8 fishes. 

6. Ballymoney Ground – -10 Fishes

Undeniably the worst night of our career. No question. Our friend had asked us to play at a youth event he was organising. The gig was to be in Ballymoney Ground and we were informed sound equipment would be provided. We turned up to find this was not the case. We were left to perform to the 6 people that had turned up, without any microphones and an uneven amp system which left us deaf to what we were doing. Needless to say the audience wasn’t impressed. To top off what was already a horrible night for Graeme he was consistently misnamed Greg throughout. A horrible night – -10 fishes. 

7. Graeme Leaves – -4 Fishes

A sad day for everyone involved with Goldfish Jones. The emotions involved as Graeme bade farewell to Coleraine and hello to Norwich were great. They led us to write some questionable songs drenched in emotion. Although only leaving on a temporary basis his departure still stung like an African Bee. It was death. Stewart and Joe continued to campaign under the GFJ banner but it wasn’t the same and if anything their poor vocals did more damage to the bands reputation than good. Despite a lovely meal out at the Ramore Wine Bar the previous night it was still a horrible day – -4 Fishes. 

8. Chart Toppers – 10 Fishes

In December 2013 we released our first single on to iTunes. As we prepared the release of our first single, Funky Christmas Party, little did we know that we stood on the precipice of greatness. In one 24 hour period all was turned on its head, fear and despair became hope and happiness. Minds were blown as we watched ourselves climb up the highly competitive comedy music chart. 167th became 41st. 41st in turn became 30th. From 30th we went on to reach 16th. 16th then lowered to 10th. 10th became 3rd, 3rd became 2nd and on the stroke of the hour, what was thought to have been beyond hope became a reality as we over took “How do I craft this again(feat Yogscast) by In the little wood” to become the top comedy music hit. This story will be passed on from generation to generation of the Livingstone, Livingston and Fulton families. You can still purchase this single on iTunes for a mere 79p. Best day of our career – 10 fishes. 

9. Through the Seasons – -8 Fishes

March 2015 and things never really kicked off after the success of Funky Christmas Party. After releasing ‘Trains’ to a fairly mediocre response the boys decided they had nothing to lose and so released previously unheard ‘Through the Seasons’. We’ve already done a blog on this song so not much more to say here. It was one of the songs written the week Graeme first left for university and hits on themes fairly different for the regular GFJ fan. Without any of the trade mark laughs or charm normally present in their songs this came across as uncharacteristically flat. Needless to say it was a commercial failure and was removed from iTunes a mere year after its initial release. A poor decision and a poor song – -8 fishes. 

10. A Night Inside the Bowl – 0 fishes

It was a night to celebrate 5 years of our Life as a band in December 2015. The first gig we ever organised for ourselves was held were it all began, in Exodus Coleraine. We set up a Van Morrison style table and chairs in order to hide the low numbers we predicted. However our expectations were exceeded as around 70 people turned up. The proceeds from the night were donated to Tell Romania and Christ Church central in Sheffield. The night started well, the venue looked nice and the crowd enjoyed a warm up from David Mills. Then the boys turn. They decided to take the fans down memory lane and perform an initial set of old classics they had left behind. It wasn’t long however before they remembered why those songs were no longer played. They were terrible. On top of this due to Graeme living in Norwich they hadn’t really prepared and so often found themselves forgetting lyrics and chords in these songs. It was brutal. Absolutely brutal. At the half way stage it had the potential of being a career ender. Fortunately the boys pulled it back with their second set of greatest hits and new bangers. This brought the night back up and ended on a high with the classic closure ‘I know’. Most fans said ‘Aye it was decent’. All in all an average night – 0 Fishes

 

Hopefully there will be more big nights in store for Goldfish Jones. Share your favourite or least favourite memories of the band below! 

 

Huge news. Goldfish Jones have been nominated for a Liebster Award in recognition of their input into the comedy/depressing comedy blog genre. Thank you Purest Home for the nomination. The Liebster Award is for up and coming bloggers and I am happy to be nominated.

The rules for the award are simple:

1. Thank the blogger that nominated you
2. Share the award on your blog and social medias
3. Answer the ten questions you were given by your nominator
4. Nominate 10 other new bloggers that you admire
5. Notify your nominees via social media

Purest Home asked me the following questions:

This song is about so much more than what you think. It’s intimate but also far. As we pass through seasons in our lives it’s so easy to look back and regret what has been done, said or even thought, but sometimes when life gets you under, when life gets you down you just have to look forward. That’s what this song is about, we find as three guys going through the same struggles in life as everyone else, three fairly ordinary guys making their way through the world that if you can put down what you feel, you feel it more. That’s the reason we wrote this song. The song is a story, a timeline as such, it starts as a scared youth leaving the niceties of life at home, where one can lounge in front of a log burning fire with an episode of blue peter and it ends with a man, a fully grown man who having left the quiet comforts of home has found something greater, he’s found life itself. Something all three of us have had to go through. Of course home through this process (and beyond) is always home, where you can be truly yourself, there are no places to hide and no need to, that’s what makes it so special but sometimes you need to push through those curtains and walk onto the stage full of yourself, full of who you need to be, not who someone else needs you to be. That’s why we wrote this song and we hope you liked it.